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What is emotional control and how to get it?

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Quick Spin:

• Where do emotions come from
• The common mistake people make
• Two tools to get out of your "Lizard Brain"
• 10-10-10 Framing
• Who is driving your emotional bus?

I’ve been in therapy 1-2 times a week for 6+ years. First with a Freudian talk therapist (looks at your childhood for the “why”). Then with someone who focuses on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). CBT teaches you coping skills for dealing with different problems. CBT is like the Home Depot for life – everytime I go, I get another tool.

I’m adding this content pillar to Life’s a Game because the tools I've learned in therapy have been a huge part of my professional success. Would love your feedback!

Today I’m going to share 3 strategies and frameworks to maintain emotional control in my day to day.

What are Emotions?

Research has ramped over the last two decades to learn more about emotional health. Emotions are conscious or subconscious mental reactions subjectively experienced as strong feelings and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

Emotions are created when the brain interprets what’s going on around us through our own memories, thoughts and beliefs. (we will come back to this)

Why should you care?

In August 2017 I found myself sprawled on a leather chair in a small room near Union Square for my first therapy session. I cried for the full hour…. at some point muttering “I think I want a divorce” and I’ll never forget the therapist’s response, “You seem very emotional about that decision. Tell you what….let’s do 6 months of sessions and if you can say that statement without crying I’ll support it.”

Eight months later I had worked through a lot of heavy stuff. I told her my desire again but this time with a calm demeanor. Not because it wasn’t still emotional - but the emotions were no longer in control. And that’s when I made the decision to file for divorce.

Emotional decision making

Tough decisions tend to be accompanied by a lot of emotions and stress. It’s human nature to not want to experience those feelings so we try to hurry up and make a decision to relieve ourselves of those feelings.

This is why most people make bad decisions.

The two questions you need to ask yourself:

• Are you running toward something or away from something?
• Have I done enough work to make a clear decision?

♟️ MY TURN: Welcome to Emotional Home Depot

The following 3 tools help me navigate and operate from a place of logic vs. emotion.

TOOL #1 Get out of your Lizard brain.

The lizard brain is the nickname for the limbic system in the brain. This system is responsible for automatic and immediate responses. Many people call it the "Lizard Brain” because the limbic system is all a lizard has for brain function. It’s in charge of fight, flight, feeding and fear.

Many times our lizard brain (limbic system) reacts before the frontal cortex part of the brain (where you make sense of what is actually happening).

My therapist has taught me two tricks to get out of your emotional lizard brain quickly and back to adult, rational Amanda thinking:

4 - 7 - 8 Breathing

The 4-7-8 breathing technique is a breathing pattern developed by Dr. Andrew Weil. It’s based on an ancient yogic technique called pranayama. Dr. Weil has even described it as a "tranquilizer for the nervous system".

In lizard / fight-or-flight mode, the body feels threatened and reacts to help the person escape or avoid a threatening situation. For us, that can happen on a date, zoom call or at Starbucks and can feel like a faster heartbeat or breathing or even a light headed/dizzy feeling.

How to do it:

• Sit comfortably
• place one hand on the chest and another on the lower stomach
• Close your eyes
• Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds
• Try to feel the air and see where it is entering, when breathing in
• Try to relax the muscles instead of engaging them
• Hold calmly for 7 seconds
• Breathe out slowly for 8 seconds.
• Repeat

The 4-7-8 technique forces the mind and body to focus on regulating the breath, rather than replaying your worries.

Hot or Cold Distraction

I was once in a relationship that triggered me often. A single negative comment would ping my inner child to beg for love and affection and I’d spiral.

In those moments my therapist told me to drop everything and seek something hot or cold. Before having a conversation or responding at all…..she’d say “Recognize you are feeling a lot of feelings and go find hot or cold.”

Examples of hot:

• Hot shower or bath
• Hot tea
• Warm compress on my face

Examples of cold:

• Drinking an icy drink
• Running ice water on my wrists
• Rub an ice cube on my face
• Dunk my face in a bowl of ice water

The baseline of the hot/cold method is about distracting & deactivating our lizard brain but enough research has shown cold water immersion increases production of mood-elevating hormones that can improve symptoms of depression and anxiety by changing the chemistry in our body and brain.

Feeling intense feelings? Play the game hot or cold.

TOOL #2: 10-10-10

When something happens it can trigger an emotional reaction based on things we’ve experienced in the past. I call this “bucket brain” when my brain is trying to bucket an experience to a similar one in the past thus stirring up the emotions associated with the previous experience and not necessarily the present one.

In order to combat this I use a tool called the 10-10-10 rule.

• Will this matter in 10 hours?
• Will this matter in 10 months?
• Will this matter in 10 years?

Based on my answers to the above, I will adjust my emotions accordingly.

Left out of an important meeting?
Chances are you won’t even remember what the meeting was about in 10 months.

Partner forgot your birthday?
Likely still thinking about that one in 10 months, maybe even 10 years.

TOOL #3x: Who is driving the bus?

THIS. This is the therapy tool that changed my thinking in a BIG WAY.

I said earlier….emotions are created when the brain interprets what’s going on around us through our own memories.

Picture a bus. Every version of you from growing up is in a seat on the bus.

At any given time, current you should be driving the bus. You are an adult with logic and reasoning and know you're going to get through whatever is coming at you.

However…..

Sometimes a situation will stir up 6 year old Amanda. Little Amanda is scared of being abandoned and alone. 6 yo Amanda hijacks the driver’s seat and starts to drive us all to spiral city to avoid being abandoned. She is not equipped to be driving.

Adult Amanda has to tell her she will be ok and that she’s a great driver and knows where we are going and puts her back in her seat and takes the wheel back.

Awareness is the greatest agent for change.

If you find yourself experiencing a pattern of emotional reactions - ask yourself “who is driving the bus” and what do you need to tell them to get the wheel back?

♟️ YOUR TURN:

Being in control of your emotional responses will allow you to make better decisions based on current information and logic and not past experiences and memories.

The next time you feel triggered, go your mental Home Depot and grab one of the following new tools from your toolbox:

→ 4-7-8 Breathing

→ Seek Hot or Cold

→ 10-10-10 Framing

→ Ask who is driving the bus?
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♟️ SPIN AGAIN: Go deeper on the topic

• Ted-Ed “How to Manage your emotions” using the Process Model
• ​What does emotional control really take? Tony Robbins Blog​
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♟️ Let's Win Together.

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